Wednesday, April 23

rear window

On April 10th, I sat in my office. It was raining outside and I was just bumbling on with my work. Then I got news that there were police outside on the tracks (which I can easily see from my window). I prayed at first that this didn't mean a suicide, but really, what else could it mean? Isn't that what it always means? Another Wheaton man had killed himself about 4 days before that. And 3 Wheaton students this year, though not by train and not even in Wheaton, IL.

And as people approached my window wanting to see what the police were doing and perhaps even to see if they could have proof of a body. That, along with irreverent comments like, "wouldn't the person just be bits and pieces anyway?" fueled my already discontented self. The last news came when a friend and colleague walked in and said she'd actually walked out back to look. And she saw the body of a man in a hoodie. The other details not need be repeated and really I didn't need to hear them either. But, I did. I only had about an hour before I had to leave or else I might have thrown up on the spot and left. I felt and knew that the Son wept at this man's death and that the fellowship should have felt holiness at this troubled passing. But, perhaps I just read into things too much...

Anyway, I was so disheartened. Why all the deaths? What sorts of devils had a hold on these men? I did look up online to see if there was anything in paper or on the news about it. There was a police transcript, nothing else for days. Then today I looked again and was glad to see that there was a name: Kurt. (He also had a last name but I don't want to take the Google searches away from those who deserve much more than I do to give final words for him). Anyway, I was led to his myspace page where I found he was a wanderer but much loved by those who knew him. From there I went on to a page by the Detholz!, the best obit probably anyone could have asked for. It was a beautiful memoriam and representation of Kurt in life. They'd even written him a song (well before his death which is perhaps even better) which is more than most receive in this life, I think! He is loved and grieved by people who loved him in life as still in death.

I received a sense of peace (and a stranger sense of relief!), along with a sense that I could weep. It was really restorative and healing to read that this man, plagued as he was by devils, was loved, fed and blessed by lives with brothers. So, I lift up the family and friends that survive Kurt and also hope that no one feels at blame for it. I also lift up Kurt and commit him into the arms of the Father.

Anyway, just wanted to share that experience. It was a very troubling one and as I explained to Greg, one that sent my sadness farther and yet, now, I think, I've been given a grace to let it least for the grieving at death and suicide. Help my unbelief!

Friday, April 11


I always think not much has been "happening" but then I come here to blog and realize, "Wow, time has really passed by and I have not had a moment's peace." My biggest issue at the moment is that I have not had time to clean my room and once again the clothes have proven themselves to make a great carpet. One day I will get to cleaning, I promise! That's what I tell myself anyway. It's funny because it seems that so long as I acknowledge it's a mess and make sure others know that I know, I feel like I don't have to clean. It makes me feel better, anyway. :)

I've had kind of a hard week, all joking aside, my room is merely one of the many ways in which I feel life is out of control right now. I don't usually like to share anything too personal on this blog or any blog, I guess. However, I'm not sure that many people read it anyway and those that do can just deal.

2 weeks ago, I went in for a lady doctor appointment. We all know those are thrilling in the first place.... But, I was going because my PCP had told me I should because some of my results were "off". Sooo...I went and she says I probably have PCOS. You can read about it here. I'm partly bringing this up because if anyone reads this and has firsthand experience, I'd love to know more about their experience. So, feel free to comment! Anyway, my new doctor was nice about everything and didn't seem to be worried so I wasn't either, she gave me a pamphlet said to call her at the end of the month and we'd go from there. There's nothing life threatening about it if it's treated and it seems that a lot of the symptoms get better through different medicines. Basically, my journey here has been hallmarked by not having a cycle for about a year and a half. So, ya know, best to get it dealt with.

But, here's the rub, doctors always seem to think that if you're overweight, that's where your problem started. That obviously my overweightness incurred the PCOS. However, the more I read, it's sort of a chicken and the egg problem. That those with PCOS find it really hard to lose weight because they're producing more testosterone than they should as well as other hormones and lacking some of the others. And, you're much more likely to get Diabetes with PCOS which also adds to the possibility of weight gain. So, I thought at first that this would be a liberating discovery; here was the answer to my mom's, coaches', dad's, my own questions about how I can exercise tons (especially in high school when i was a Varsity athlete), eat normally and still always have a roll around my waist and still struggle to get weight off. But, this week, it has not been, because the more I read, the more I learn that this is just a symptom of it and that none of the meds used to correct PCOS actually have any bearing on weight whatsoever unless you're determined to have an insulin deficiency.

So, from one medical alert to another, I looked up a condition that I had when I was a kid called Precocious Puberty. This is the first time I've ever shared about it in this public a setting. Apparently, it is sometimes linked to it would have been nice to know that and to watch out for it. (Incidentally, we've always contributed a lot of my weight issues to that because it makes you basically go from baby fat to puberty fat with no break in the middle like most kids have...but apparently that may not be the case).

All of this has resulted in my being upset with the Father--mad even. I finally pinpointed this a couple nights ago which is definitely a good first step. But, just being upset about having so many physical disorders through my life and for being given so many things that stack up to make me have a terrible self image. And sometimes I wish I were the kind of personality that would just give up. But, no, I still work out (nearly) everyday, eat well and try to take care of myself. And sometimes I feel like it's an uphill battle against Father which isn't right probably but it's how I feel sometimes. And I'm finally being honest about that. Anyway, so, that's something to lift up.

Well, I didn't mean this to be such a downer but I must return to working now. I feel a little better for having written this out though.

Hope all reading this are well and don't be a stranger, comment me!