Wednesday, April 23

rear window

On April 10th, I sat in my office. It was raining outside and I was just bumbling on with my work. Then I got news that there were police outside on the tracks (which I can easily see from my window). I prayed at first that this didn't mean a suicide, but really, what else could it mean? Isn't that what it always means? Another Wheaton man had killed himself about 4 days before that. And 3 Wheaton students this year, though not by train and not even in Wheaton, IL.

And as people approached my window wanting to see what the police were doing and perhaps even to see if they could have proof of a body. That, along with irreverent comments like, "wouldn't the person just be bits and pieces anyway?" fueled my already discontented self. The last news came when a friend and colleague walked in and said she'd actually walked out back to look. And she saw the body of a man in a hoodie. The other details not need be repeated and really I didn't need to hear them either. But, I did. I only had about an hour before I had to leave or else I might have thrown up on the spot and left. I felt and knew that the Son wept at this man's death and that the fellowship should have felt holiness at this troubled passing. But, perhaps I just read into things too much...

Anyway, I was so disheartened. Why all the deaths? What sorts of devils had a hold on these men? I did look up online to see if there was anything in paper or on the news about it. There was a police transcript, nothing else for days. Then today I looked again and was glad to see that there was a name: Kurt. (He also had a last name but I don't want to take the Google searches away from those who deserve much more than I do to give final words for him). Anyway, I was led to his myspace page where I found he was a wanderer but much loved by those who knew him. From there I went on to a page by the Detholz!, the best obit probably anyone could have asked for. It was a beautiful memoriam and representation of Kurt in life. They'd even written him a song (well before his death which is perhaps even better) which is more than most receive in this life, I think! He is loved and grieved by people who loved him in life as still in death.

I received a sense of peace (and a stranger sense of relief!), along with a sense that I could weep. It was really restorative and healing to read that this man, plagued as he was by devils, was loved, fed and blessed by lives with brothers. So, I lift up the family and friends that survive Kurt and also hope that no one feels at blame for it. I also lift up Kurt and commit him into the arms of the Father.

Anyway, just wanted to share that experience. It was a very troubling one and as I explained to Greg, one that sent my sadness farther and yet, now, I think, I've been given a grace to let it least for the grieving at death and suicide. Help my unbelief!

1 comment:

Katherine said...'s hard to believe some reactions to such tragedies, but then again i think they often arise out of our discomfort and inability to know how to respond. thanks as always for sharing honestly and from your heart!